👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You Might Also Like
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.