ππ»ββοΈ
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i want to work in this restaurant
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I occasionally drink every single night.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Theyβre stuck in your pants?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. Iβll just add some stock for realism. Sheβs going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[First Date]
Her: Iβm instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
When people ask me why Iβm in a wheelchair by saying βWhat do you have?β I want to say something ridiculous like βI got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.β
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I donβt always leave the house, but when I do I shouldnβt.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now Iβm spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Just me and my debit card against the world
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet