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* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Yoga Matt
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’