📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Trying
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.