📽️movie date🎞️
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.