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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.