馃槀馃惥
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Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I鈥檝e never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I don鈥檛 like to brag, but I don鈥檛 need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
It鈥檚 bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we鈥檒l stay alive.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He鈥檚 been off for 17 days.