😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n