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my kid canβt remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my rΓ©sumΓ© and rips it a little bit]
When you let grandma cat sit
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: Youβ¦spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uhβ¦make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hmβ¦eat marbles
My friend had her baby at home and I canβt even give myself a manicure at home
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
βThis, too, shall pass,β I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My husband brought home a big box of β12 festive cheesesβ. I donβt know if heβs trying to turn me on, but itβs working.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Partyβ
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room sheβs wasting a great opportunity
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*