😂😂
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
✌🏽
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.