Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

🐦

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!