You Might Also Like
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.