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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
🤣🤣🤣
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot