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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because Iβm literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
A fellow mom was talking about how another schoolβs spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said βThey could have given our kids 2 more daysβ and Iβm always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
You know youβre a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me when my husband says, βletβs go to the gymβ
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
i donβt delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe