😂🤣😂🤣
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.