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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
so much to do
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.