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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi