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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day