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For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Go hard or stay average
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”