😂 amazing answer
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Here’s a meme
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes