😅😅😅
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
new record!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.