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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
two people or more is called a problem
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?