馃槈馃槤
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn鈥檛 have unrealistic expectations.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
February
20掳
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
#growingpains
Him: I bet you鈥檙e good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They鈥檙e moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren鈥檛 exactly choir boys.