Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy