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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.