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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The 6 types of sex
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.