馃檧馃檧馃檧馃樄
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
You鈥檇 think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won鈥檛 know how annoying i am until it鈥檚 too late
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Only a mother’s love …
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won鈥檛 have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here鈥檚 your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog鈥檚 name.
Me: Gosh, you鈥檙e right. Sorry.
Cat: I鈥檓 really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I鈥檇 become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No