🙂🐾
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*