🙄😏😂🤣
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
🤣🤣
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I have obtained a hat