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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.