🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
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My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.