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Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.