🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You Might Also Like
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
🤣😂🤣
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
can you read it!!??
maan!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
You have been warned.