🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.