🚲+physics = winner
You Might Also Like
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what