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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed