🤣😂🤣
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If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Ghost costume 😂
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Ah yes. The three genders