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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet