🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
HERE’S MARKY
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.