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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.