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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
LMAO.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper