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This made me chuckle.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.