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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat