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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.