You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
😏😏😏
Why is this me 😫
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first