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i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Sing it!
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
🖤✌🏽
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.