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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
That was easy.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
nice challenge
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Yep.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.