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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
🐕🍷
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.