🤭😂
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I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
awkward
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one