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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer